Jesus Christ Pose: Utah’s New Personal Jesus

I just read this article in The Wall Street Journal about Utah’s latest trend: long hair and beards. If you’re in your twenties and rocking that Westernized “what-people-think-Jesus-looks-like” aesthetic, congrats—you’ve hit the jackpot. Jesus look-alikes are apparently in high demand. They’re getting hired for family portraits, wedding announcements, and social events. Think hippie-chic Jesus in his prime. These guys are raking in $100 to $200 an hour to pose with kids, couples, and families at scenic locales.

And if you’re looking for fame, fortune, or just a bit of divine inspiration, remember the ultimate career advice: “Go west, young man, there’s gold in them hills!” Who knows, maybe you’ll stumble upon a miracle—or at least a good thrift store halo.

Nevada has its Elvis impersonators; Utah now has Jesus. Go figure. Back when I was in my twenties, I tried the long-hair-and-beard thing. My mom, a devoutly religious woman, was not impressed. I told her I was channeling the Jesus Christ look. Her response? “The only miracle about you is that you were born.” Brutal. She said I looked less like Jesus and more like Charles Manson.

Eventually, I shaved the beard. But the hair? Oh, that was a battle. My mom would chase me around the house with scissors, turning it into a full-on Bugs Bunny version of The Barber of Seville.

It seems people are craving a closer connection to Jesus and religion these days. One fine morning, I was out for a walk when I stumbled upon a scene straight out of a sitcom. Outside a church, a group of folks had gathered, captivated by a sermon being delivered to this unsuspecting flock. The pastor, standing triumphantly on a gazebo, declared he had a direct line to Jesus. Not just figuratively—a literal hotline. He was ready to take questions from anyone who wanted to chat with the man upstairs.

Naturally, I had to stick around for this divine Q&A session. Then it happened—the pastor whipped out a cell phone, lifted it dramatically to the heavens, and dialed. In my mind, 2001: A Space Odyssey’s “Also Sprach Zarathustra” theme was blaring as the ultimate celestial call was made. Moments later, he was talking to Jesus, fielding questions from the crowd like a heavenly customer service rep.

I was dying to know who his carrier was—because let’s face it, that’s the kind of signal strength we all need. But alas, I was too far away, and the pastor had his back to me. Divine reception? Perfect. My timing? Not so much.

Now, listen, I’m not one to go around evangelizing, but let’s be honest—Jesus is the ultimate pop-culture icon. Think about it: the guy’s been trending for over two millennia! His “copyright” expired ages ago, so he’s been in the public domain longer than anyone else in history. Talk about a legacy!

I mean, who else can claim to have inspired everything from musicals like Jesus Christ Superstar to alt-rock jams like “Personal Jesus”? Not to mention, he’s got more merch than The Beatles and Taylor Swift combined. Do you want a Jesus Christ pose? Strike it. You want to accessorize with your own personal Jesus? Get it. If you’re chasing that Jesus Christ Superstar vibe, just channel those timeless robes and sandals—perfect for any occasion, whether you’re turning water into wine or just turning heads.

John Lennon once claimed the Beatles were bigger than Jesus, but let’s fast-forward a couple of thousand years—who’s standing the test of time? The only four lads people still talk about are Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. 🙏🧔‍♀️