How to Be a Saint: Bizarre Catholic History with Kate Sidley

How to be a saint

When the saints come marching in, most people picture a dignified holy procession with solemn chanting, shining halos, and perhaps angelic choirs filling the air. What you probably do not imagine is Brother Joseph floating five feet above the ground like a runaway balloon, Saint Denis carrying his own head through the streets of Paris, or a Vatican committee debating whether a supposed miracle was divine intervention or simply a very good bowl of medieval soup. That mix of the sacred and the absurd is exactly what you will find in How to Be a Saint: An Extremely Weird and Mildly Sacrilegious History of the Catholic Church’s Biggest Names by Kate Sidley.

How to be a saint

Think you’ve got what it takes to be canonized? Spoiler: it’s harder than getting Taylor Swift tickets. But fear not, centuries of holy men and women have already drafted the “DIY Guide to Sainthood.” So, you want to be a saint? Excellent choice. The Church has a time-tested process, which can be summed up in five straightforward steps.

  • Step one: You must die, since no one can be canonized while still walking the earth, however unfair that may seem to anyone hoping to update their own Wikipedia entry.
  • Step two: You will need miracles attributed to you, preferably the spectacular kind. Multiplying loaves of bread works, but turning water into craft beer is also a crowd pleaser.
  • Step three: Expect your miracles to be examined by Vatican officials who debate their authenticity with the seriousness of Olympic judges.
  • Step four: Prepare for centuries of waiting, since the Church prefers to move at a pace that makes glaciers look speedy.
  • Step five: If you pass all of the above, you finally receive your halo and official sainthood status. No exchanges, no refunds.

Sidley brings church history to life by uncovering the most bizarre, entertaining, and sometimes shocking stories of Catholic sainthood. Readers will meet friars who floated in midair long before Cirque du Soleil made it cool, mystics who survived on nothing but the Eucharist (making modern diets look indulgent), and incorruptible corpses that remained eerily fresh long after burial. Martyrs whose severed body parts became coveted relics, and mystics who blurred the line between holy visions and holy migraines. The book is packed with stories so wild they sound like satire, yet every last one is pulled straight from church history. You will also discover why medieval peasants fought over bones, how a single skull could inspire pilgrimages across Europe, and why sainthood often feels like a strange mixture of a horror story and a talent competition.

How to be a saint

The canonization process itself has all the drama of a celestial reality show. Picture Sister Euphemia juggling rosaries while hovering above the floor as Vatican judges whisper, “Does that qualify as a miracle or just excessive enthusiasm?” For centuries, the Church has combined meticulous documentation, sworn testimony, and an unwavering tolerance for relics that resemble props from a medieval curiosity shop.

Kate Sidley is the perfect storyteller for such a strange and delightful subject. She is a comedy writer for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert and a contributor to The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, and Reductress. She has earned Emmy nominations, a Peabody Award, and a Writers Guild Award. Her years in Catholic school provide her with an insider’s perspective, complete with memories of plaid skirts and the occasional flying chalkboard eraser launched by a nun. This background makes her uniquely qualified to present history with reverence, wit, and a healthy dose of irreverence.

How to be a saint

How to Be a Saint is more than a history of the Catholic Church. It is a joyful exploration of faith, miracles, and human eccentricity told with comic brilliance. It proves that sainthood may be nearly impossible to achieve, but laughing about sainthood is accessible to everyone. It will keep you laughing, cringing, and secretly grateful that you are not on the Vatican’s list of potential candidates.

Pick up your rosary, bring your sense of humor, and maybe keep a relic nearby just in case. Once you learn how saints truly earned their place in history, you will never look at stained glass windows, church statues, or relics in quite the same way again. And if along the way you feel a flicker of blasphemous thoughts creeping in, do not worry, just splash a little holy water on yourself and call it preventive maintenance. After all, laughter might just be the most underrated sacrament of them all.


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