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The Modern Man by George Carlin

    I’m a modern man,
    A man for the millennium,
    Digital and smoke free.
    A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist,
    Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect.
    I’ve been uplinked and downloaded.
    I’ve been inputted and outsourced.
    I know the upside of downsizing.
    I know the downside of upgrading.
    I’m a high tech lowlife.
    A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker,
    And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. (The rest after the jump…)
    I’m new wave but I’m old school,
    And my inner child is outward bound.
    I’m a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer,
    Voice activated and biodegradable.

    I interface from a database,
    And my database is in cyberspace,
    So I’m interactive,
    I’m hyperactive,
    And from time-to-time,
    I’m radioactive.
    Behind the eight ball,
    Ahead of the curve,
    Riding the wave,
    Dodging a bullet,
    Pushing the envelope.
    I’m on point,
    On task,
    On message,
    And off drugs.
    I got no need for coke and speed,
    I got no urge to binge and purge.
    I’m in the moment,
    On the edge,
    Over the top,
    But under the radar.
    A high concept,

    Low profile,
    Medium range ballistic missionary.
    A street-wise smart bomb.
    A top gun bottom feeder.
    I wear power ties,
    I tell power lies,
    I take power naps,
    I run victory laps.
    I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach.
    A raging workaholic.
    A working ragaholic.
    Out of rehab,
    And in denial.
    I got a personal trainer,
    A personal shopper,
    A personal assistant,
    And a personal agenda.
    You can’t shut me up,
    You can’t dumb me down.
    ‘Cause I’m tireless,
    And I’m wireless.
    I’m an alpha male on beta blockers.
    I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever.
    Laid back but fashion forward.

    Up front,
    Down home,
    Low rent,
    High maintenance.
    Super size,
    Long lasting,
    High definition,
    Fast acting,
    Oven ready,
    And built to last.
    I’m a hands on,
    Foot loose,
    Knee jerk,
    Head case.
    Prematurely post traumatic,
    And I have a love child who sends me hate mail.
    But I’m feeling,
    I’m caring,
    I’m healing,
    I’m sharing.
    A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver.
    My output is down,
    But my income is up.
    I take a short position on the long bond,
    And my revenue stream has its own cash flow.
    I read junk mail,
    I eat junk food,
    I buy junk bonds,
    I watch trash sports.
    I’m gender specific,
    Capital intensive,
    User friendly,
    And lactose intolerant.
    I like rough sex.
    I like tough love.

    I use the f word in my email,
    And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn.
    I bought a microwave at a mini mall.
    I bought a mini van in a mega store.
    I eat fast food in the slow lane.
    I’m toll free,
    Bite sized,
    Ready to wear,
    And I come in all sizes.
    A fully equipped,
    Factory authorized,
    Hospital tested,
    Clinically proven,
    Scientifically formulated medical miracle.
    I’ve been pre-washed,
    Pre-cooked,
    Pre-heated,
    Pre-screened,

    Pre-approved,
    Pre-packaged,
    Post-dated,
    Freeze-dried,
    Double-wrapped,
    Vacuum-packed,
    And I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
    I’m a rude dude,
    But I’m the real deal.
    Lean and mean.
    Cocked, locked and ready to rock.
    Rough tough and hard to bluff.
    I take it slow.
    I go with the flow.
    I ride with the tide.
    I got glide in my stride.
    Drivin’ and movin’,
    Sailin’ and spinnin’,
    Jivin’ and groovin’,
    Wailin’ and winnin’.
    I don’t snooze,
    So I don’t lose.
    I keep the pedal to the metal,
    And the rubber on the road.
    I party hearty,
    And lunch time is crunch time.
    I’m hanging in,
    There ain’t no doubt.
    And I’m hanging tough,
    Over and out.
    -George Carlin

    Tony M.